For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received a spirit of adoption. By which we call, "Abba, Father!" Romans 8:12
So I've been doing amazingly well with the ups and downs of this adoption. I have not allowed myself to be consumed with anxiety or obsession. I have allowed peace and understanding to reign in every area of this adventure, that is until Sunday night.
We had our Home Study and our Social Worker's job is to question the ever living out of us concerning the possible negative issues our children will arrive with and to grill us about our ability to handle those needs. I never once wavered in my belief that God is in control but satan began whispering in my ear all sorts of retarded lies. I won't say I believed them, because I never lost focus on what God has told me, that my children, all 5 of them, will be emotionally and physically healthy and fully attached to me and Jason and to each other, but the weariness of the road it could take to achieve that began to overwhelm me. That coupled with my first sense of their rejection by others, and I opened the door for the spirit of fear.
I attended a powerful prayer meeting on Monday night in which God confirmed for me I hear Him, and I can trust what He's said to me, because He always fulfills His promises. Towards the end of the evening, the room is opened up and people begin to simply share what they hear the Holy Spirit telling them about anyone in the room, and I began to ask God to confirm for me through a stranger in the room that I was gifted with what I needed to bring these children home and be the parent they needed so that I could put away my fears. And wouldn't you know it, GOD delivered, answered, and provided! The only African in the room, a man so dark even the whites of his eyes were hard to define, raised his hand and pointed at me. He said, "Are you a Dr? I see Doctor all over you." His accent was so strong, it made his statement even more definitive. In that instant I knew God was confirming that I was the Dr my children would need, I will be able to minister to their needs, and heal their deficiencies. Not by my might, but because the Holy Spirit lives in me, and by His power, and by the blood of the Son we can all be perfectly healed, not just in heaven, but in this life.
I've begun to allow God to show me glimpses of them in my prayer time with Him, an image I've frequently shaken out of my vision before, out of just sheer overwhelmedness! :) But, in the last few days I've just allowed the Spirit to take me there, and it's nothing short of skydiving, the sensation of seeing things unseen. They are beautiful and my heart is filling with them already. I'm beginning to yearn for them in a new way. To have a sudden fear response, similar to the one I have when I jerk around to look in the back seat because I think I've left a child behind at a resteraunt. I've often had dreams that my children have been left alone at home, or somewhere frightening, and no matter how hard I run, it seems I'm unable to get to them, and that sense of angst to get to them is beginning to develop in relation to these two precious ones I've never even met.
It's the healthy side of being ready to go. I will not question God's timing, I know it's perfect, I will not fear when ups and downs arise as they always do in international adoptions, but I will continue to grow in my eagerness to get to them, to bring them, home, to hold them, and to begin the rest of their lives as Crazy Roots.