Monday, September 28, 2009
We never would have imagined when our referral was pulled last Thursday that this was God's plan, although we knew with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that He had one.
We received a call this morning giving us some more information on why our referral had been pulled back. They needed time to investigate their suspisions that "B" had a sibling! As it turned out, "B's" 2 year old brother had been referred out separately. They had recalled his referral as well, and were calling to offer us both of their referrals!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have a beautiful 4 year old daughter and a handsome 2 year old son! We swear he has our middle bio sons lips!!! :)
It's absolutely unbelievable. I have so much I want to say, so many things that God has confirmed and done in the last few short days, but I'm not removed enough to think clearly! I'll come back to this so that I can give them every detail of "Their Story" but for now, we're just basking in the amazing providence of God.
Friday, September 25, 2009
"When you said yes in your heart you said yes to being her mommy, God asked you to step out in faith. You did. All He asked you to do was step. . . the answer [to all this] will be glorious. I don't understand why this happened. But it's ok to be sad and grieve."
I needed permission to grieve for some reason. How do you understand for yourself, how do you even begin to explain the depth of love you have instantaneously for a child you've just laid eyes on? It wasn't because she was beautiful, or because she was motherless and under nourished. It wasn't because I needed to love another child. It was because I had been asked to be her mommy, she had been offered to me as my daughter. Everything I do I do with passion. I can meet a million adorable babies and toddlers on the street and think they're great but no one has ever said, "Here is this child. Will you love her as your own? Will you be her mother, will you fold her into your heart?" When I said yes I meant it.
Now obviously, true relationship, true intimacy comes from investing yourself. Just as those first few months after my three bio kids were born, it was a time of bonding, and a depth of love developing that is beautiful and built on experiences together, trust from needs being offered and met. I know that I will go through that same period with this adopted child when they come home, I know that the love from intimacy will take time to develop and grow, but I now know that the deep sold out spiritual love, the desire to pray for a child's every breath and especially their salvation, the love that dares to dream about the different ways they will fit in your family, and what things will look like because you now have a face,an age, a sex, to fit into that picture you've been dreaming about for months, that love is instant. I've suffered a miscarriage of my heart, and it's painful.
Yesterday was tough because I was allowing Satan to whisper in my ear. Saying things like, "You've only seen this child for 18 hours, what difference does it make. You don't have a right to be upset. You don't have anything to be sad about. Just forget about it, act like these past 18 hours didn't happen. OH, you have this strong faith huh, you know God has the perfect child for you, and you just deceived yourself into believing this was her, you don't hear Him at all like you think you do, huh? You've been so wrong, you are making up that voice you thought was His. If you think He'll work all this out, then you don't have a right to be upset or sad, you would have already gotten over this if your faith were what you're claiming it to be."
But the truth is, my faith in God never wavered. I never faltered in knowing with full confidence that God is in total control. I don't doubt one moment that this situation is part of our story, that it is necessary, that we were chosen to receive her picture, even if that's all it is, for a higher purpose than our eyes can see. I believe God knows what He's doing and He's redeeming every circumstance for His glory.
So, when my faith in my God did not waiver, the enemy used it as a time to attack my marriage. Jason and I have been through some tough crap, but it was serious for 5 hours last night. In all honesty, it had about 1% to do with our referral being pulled back, and about 99% to do with our misplaced needs and choices, but satan used this circumstance to make me doubt so much of what I believed about my marriage. It was 30 seconds of a hugely stupid insensitivity on Jason's part, and 8 hours of satan manipulating and twisting. I keep going back and adding adjectives to his insensitivity. Guess I'm not done forgiving. .. . but I digress :)
Adoption is so near to God's heart, that I believe it puts a big ole target on our backs for the enemy. After surviving this latest battle, I'm grateful for the opportunity to shore up the cracks a little more. Jason learned some lessons, I learned a lot of lessons, our marriage will be stronger, more impenetrable going forward, and we're more resolved to complete this adoption together as a unified team. Satan's goal was to create doubt in our ability to trust the other in this adoption and to have us give it up, and for a while last night he probably thought he was winning, but like always in our relationship, the Warrior, the Victorious Conqueror was called in to the ring, and the three of us are indefeatable.
The Lord provided me with so much support. My dear friends who understood I couldn't talk, and simply kept emailing and texting me throughout the day, it got me through. Praise God for our adoption yahoo group, other parents who are going through the same thing, many who have received their referral and understand how much they love that child, and how much it must hurt to have them removed. And a small few who have been through what happened to us yesterday. God uses the testimony of survivors to gird us up. Others who say, it's ok to be confused, pissed, sad, to grieve.
For my non-adopting readers, yes, this is extremely rare. There is no reason to withhold complete love and devotion from the instant you see a referral picture. There is no reason to think, "I better guard my heart, this could fall apart." No one sees their referral picture for the first time and thinks, "I'm not going to call this child my daughter until we're on the plane coming home and it's really happening." Any other adoptive mother who had seen her child, and then 18 hours later gotten the call that they weren't, would be as devastated as I am.
Will we receive another referral? Yes. Will we believe and realize at that time that no other child could be as perfect for us and will all the events come into clear focus and be amazing, yes. Does that negate the fact that "B" was an equal fulfillment of all of God's promises, prophecies and dreams for us? No.
God doesn't ask us to hold back, He asks us to step . . .
Thursday, September 24, 2009
No one ever said International Adoption was without ups and downs.
They said they can't give any details and don't really know what will happen going forward but they might know more in a week or two.
We're just praying to see God's hand, to understand His peace even if we can't understand why.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
But for now, I can tell you, she is absolutely beautiful. Be praying now that we pass court and I will be able to show you her amazing face! Her eyes will melt your heart!
Begin to let our Beautiful "B" fill your hearts, pray for her as she waits for her new family and grieves the loss of her first family, pray for her health in the Transition Home, and for a successful court date!
Praise you Lord! You are amazing, your timing is perfect, your ways are masterful! Glory to your name!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
We celebrated our official DTE while in Disney, and this is Disney's year of a million celebrations, so we added ours to the mix and wrote WE'RE DTE on our buttons. Jason was at first peeved that I had not written WE'RE ADOPTING or something that people could understand just by reading it, but writing something strange and unknown actually opened a door we were not expecting. Instead of reading our button and moving on with their lives, SO MANY people couldn't help but ask, "What's DTE?" and it was the perfect opportunity to share our story, our faith, and our journey! We talked to several people about Ethiopia, about adoption in general, and shared our faith. We heard so many say, "I've thought about that, but doesn't it cost a lot?" Which gave me the chance to share what God has done in our lives to provide, and how He will do the same for them. I was able to live and share our testimony to so many who would have never stopped and bothered discussing it with us otherwise. My life's call lately has been "We shall overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony." and by focusing on this, being willing to share what God has done in my life whenever it's relevant, I've been amazed at the opportunities God's put in my lap to do just that. Adoption is a journey, and it needs more people on the journey! Whatever we can do to share our faith, and our story, I'm ready and willing!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Psalm 68:31 ". . .Ethiopia will quickly stretch out her hands to God." We're praying for you little package, you're our love, desires, hopes, and obedience wrapped up in a little box. Be safe, travel quickly.